This is kind of a random post, but the themes are so prevalent right now both in my professional and personal life I simply could not hold back the urge to write. I feel as if many perhaps struggle with similar perceptions and maybe somehow my sharing will help shift a new way of BEING love.
Recently my personal love relationship of 4 and a half years came to a halt. We are still cordial. Friends. But, our intimate one on one treasure of man and woman union just stopped. Suddenly. Truths were revealed about personal spaces and where each of us could realistically show up…what we were truly capable of at this particular point in time. For me, I was devastated. I was living under the illusion that we were moving forward, that we were embarking on a bigger life project together. It was brought to light that he couldn’t be the man I needed right now…his words. Words I thought I’d never hear. Especially since he had showed up for me the past 4 years.
I realize now though, that I am evolving, expanding. He is still dealing with the past and where it has currently left him. My requests for him to step up into a new space was too great. He wasn’t ready and at least he had enough respect and consideration to be honest with me. Will we ever come together again in that romantic space of wholeness? Who knows. My intuition says probably not. Too much will shift and change in an undetermined timeline. As I move forward and he takes the time he needs.
With all of this sudden change of gears, I was left standing at a crossroads with what seemed to be an old run down beat up truck whose engine had just given out. I stood for awhile there. Shedding tears to run a river through a desert of dry lands. But it was more of a monsoon. Quick. Violent. But gone as quick as it came, leaving behind new terra forms.
So, I grabbed myself a wandering wild pony and jumped upon it’s back with nothing more than my integrity and belief that there is more out there to experience.
I’ve been riding this pony at a slow steady walk for a brief time now. But, already, the pace is beginning to pick up.
I’m nervous as I ride further and further away from everything I knew and everything I thought was going to be.
But, damn the landscape is breathtaking, inspiring, encouraging and it keeps me wanting more.
Most of what I am facing along this current pony ride is a life long resistance to Self love.
I don’t mean SElF love in an egoistic way. Just not needing external validation that I am worthy of love. This Venus Rx cycle has really helped me shed alot of my illusions about where love comes from and how I receive it. I am so grateful that I am finding the strength to keep showing up for myself. My desires. My dreams. For the life I am wanting to create. With my Venus in Gemini in my natal chart I am gifted double of the duality that separation and connection offers. But, I’m OK with it all. I’m enjoying how my inner voice is shifting to more self loving and supportive dialogue. And how i am learning to say yes to my personal harmony and no to that which causes discord. May it continue.