Damn Heart, Damn Planets

(writings from 2014)
“Hey! I was just calling to check in on you. make sure you were ok.”Like she said she would, she thought to herself. It wasn’t just out of integrity for keeping her word. It was just who she was, by nature. Truth is she REALLY did care. With a Cancer sun, Pisces moon and Virgo rising caring, compassion, and empathy was her blueprint by default.Damn planets. Why couldn’t she have some uber detached signs dominating her chart……like Gemini or Libra or Aquarius.

She knew better.

It was her own damn heart that was to blame.

She couldn’t remember the last time she had actually received an e-mail or correspondence other than a phone call on his terms for his convenience.  At the beginning the fresh new passion inspired thoughts would flit into her g-mail account on a daily basis. They were simple but poignant. Beautiful pictures of magical subjects, links to music he thought she might like, a simple “hello” and ” I miss you” and the always hopeful ” I can’t wait to see you again”.  Then, the efforts just seemed to cease. The more she put into it, the less she received.

She should have known then.

She did.

There were flags from the beginning.

But, her damn heart was to blame.

He had made her feel things she had never felt before. For the first time in her life, she had felt appreciated, valuable. He made her feel as if she could do anything in the world she desired! He believed in her. He was affectionate in ways not even her one and only previous failed marriage had been able to provide.

Such bliss. Such potential. Bigger than anything she had ever imagined.

But, every sun has its shadow. The bigger the sun, the bigger the shadow.

“It’s just because of his condition,” she would tell herself in those early dark hours of the morning. “He’s basically survived a war without ever having been in a war. He’s lived through things most people never even comprehend or dream, much less would survive.” “His circumstances are so fractured and FUCKED UP! Anyone would respond the way he did.”

“I understand,” she would think as she lay there abandoned, confused and emotionally scarred yet once again.

She held on for justice. They both did. Faith that justice would right his past purgatory and finally give them the opportunity to be what they both knew they could be.

If only…..

If only the case would finally settle and the money came through. He’d be Okay then.

It had been a month since she had made the decision to call off the relationship. One more misunderstanding, abandonment, and emotional scar to put in the books.

She had had enough.

But, those damn planets and their ancient Archetypes. They wouldn’t let her just sever all ties. Oh no, she had to be one of those whose sense of altruistic love would override everything.

” I would like to remain friends ” she had told him.

He refused.

She knew better. After all, his circumstances hadn’t changed. Eventually he would need something and as time had proven so many instances before, she was indeed his one and only accessible true friend.

Then the call. He was apologetic for calling and disturbing her. His voice carried with it a sense of heightened anxiousness and disbelief. He had fallen down his stairs and was pretty sure had broken his foot.

Fuck. really? His physical condition was already debilitating, he was certainly proper fucked now.

Unfortunately, this was a familiar routine she had become a master at navigating. This time was different. She wouldn’t be dropping everything in her own life to run to his side and be his nurse maid.

“Perhaps he just wants you back”, a friend stated the following day.

He did. She knew it. Every other time she had try to break free from the relationship and set a new course, he would have a crisis.

Damn heart. She would cave. Damn compassionate nature. She would put all his needs before her own.

Afterall, what else do we have if we don’t have love.

But, not this time.

Then the e-mail. The first one in years. This was not an e-mail of a knight of cups expressing his love for her and serenading her with flowery prose.

Two attachments. x-rays of his broken foot.  Proof that he was indeed proper fucked. Proof that he was again a victim of shitty bad luck. Proof that he can’t do it all alone. Proof that true friends are necessary in life.

” I’m really sorry this happened. I know you must be really distraught” she conveyed in a late night dreary tone. She was just arriving  home after a long shift and after work drink with co-workers without guilt. She hadn’t run straight home to tend to his ailments. Considering the time she was calling, it was painfully obvious he knew this was the case as well. However, the fact remained, she was genuinely concerned.

“Yeah. it sucks. It’ll be Ok. It’s all part of the process”.  he mumbled. She could hear his words take on a lower tone through a clenched jaw.

“Try to get some rest, I’ll come by this week and get the dog out on a walk for you”

Silence.

Good Night.

Damn heart. Damn planets.

But she loved them. That heart. Those planets. She knew with certainty now that they weren’t a curse. They were there to show her the true depth and vastness of her capacity to love, care, and show compassion on an unlimited expansive human scale

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