Category Archives: MODEL MOTHER MUSE

Peregrine Falcon : What Do You Choose?

Peregrine Falcon | Photo Caption: Excerpted from North America: A World in One Continent by Huw Cordey

 

(December 2014)

The other day I was driving back from the ranch and was thinking about my upcoming outing with my mom and daughters to go see the Nutcracker on stage.

I was contemplating where we would we go to get the girls’ a “dress-up” outfit. Would we descend upon the local  thrift stores or head somewhere like Old Navy?

Either way I was already set in my mind that I would allow them to coordinate their own outfits through their own vision and personal expression.

It’s these types of mind trips that start me thinking about when I was young….their age.

I began to recall  shopping for a holiday outfit or dress for a dance.

I was always encouraged to pick something out, but ultimately would be cajoled into settling on  something that was more to my parent’s liking.

Certainly a small compromise was involved, however, the final choice was generally to appease the authorities ~ after all they were buying!

I suddenly became acutely aware of  how long I had continued that pattern throughout my adulthood….making choices that were for the approval of others.

These choices ranged from choosing a college to giving up on dreams of being a vet, or owning a horse.

Memories of hiding my outfits of choice under an outfit of their approval when heading off to school creeped up.

It seems as if I never got to really choose what I liked or what I was drawn to, and instead had to settle for somebody else’s vision.

I realize this is probably quite common across generations…but, I refuse to mindlessly repeat these scenarios with my own children.

Granted there will be guidance in areas of what is age appropriate, but guiding them in ways that encourages keeping their foundational self expression, creative ideas, and personal attractions intact.

After such an epiphany, I turned the attention to myself and I asked,  “What would it be like to choose what YOU like, for yourself?”

At that moment I began to explore the answer a peregrine falcon lifted off from a tree on the left side of the road and as I drove forward, it flew low in front of my wind shield, banked left and glided parallel to my vehicle for a few seconds. Certainly long enough to make a positive I.D. more than once!

I was instantly reminded of the drawing I did earlier in the year of a mystic ( yeah, me) with a peregrine falcon on her shoulder (yeah, her spirit ally) holding a sprig of wild flowers in its beak.

What did peregrine want me to know?

I returned home and stared longingly into the eyes of the mystic, my mirror, as she sits on my desk in printed form.

 

All high flyers; such as falcons, hawks, eagles are typically revered as messenger birds throughout various world cultures and indigenous peoples. Their appearance in our lives asks us to get up high and take in a broader view of our lives.  From a higher perspective, we scan the landscape of our dreams and realities. These earth spirits challenge us to tap into our higher vision and purpose.

I was humbled by peregrine’s timely appearance in relation to my momentous thoughts on my desires and choices!

Has a high flyer showed up in your life lately? Perhaps if so, you could take a moment to listen to your own spirit’s desires and see a broader path of purpose !

As this drawing suggests, You already have everything you need to be that bigger version of yourself that you are envisioning! All the resources you have gathered through your life up until now are available for your use ! Your guides are with you ! It’s time to commit to your choices, desires and the greatness that is your purpose, that is YOU!

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Damn Heart, Damn Planets

(writings from 2014)
“Hey! I was just calling to check in on you. make sure you were ok.”Like she said she would, she thought to herself. It wasn’t just out of integrity for keeping her word. It was just who she was, by nature. Truth is she REALLY did care. With a Cancer sun, Pisces moon and Virgo rising caring, compassion, and empathy was her blueprint by default.Damn planets. Why couldn’t she have some uber detached signs dominating her chart……like Gemini or Libra or Aquarius.

She knew better.

It was her own damn heart that was to blame.

She couldn’t remember the last time she had actually received an e-mail or correspondence other than a phone call on his terms for his convenience.  At the beginning the fresh new passion inspired thoughts would flit into her g-mail account on a daily basis. They were simple but poignant. Beautiful pictures of magical subjects, links to music he thought she might like, a simple “hello” and ” I miss you” and the always hopeful ” I can’t wait to see you again”.  Then, the efforts just seemed to cease. The more she put into it, the less she received.

She should have known then.

She did.

There were flags from the beginning.

But, her damn heart was to blame.

He had made her feel things she had never felt before. For the first time in her life, she had felt appreciated, valuable. He made her feel as if she could do anything in the world she desired! He believed in her. He was affectionate in ways not even her one and only previous failed marriage had been able to provide.

Such bliss. Such potential. Bigger than anything she had ever imagined.

But, every sun has its shadow. The bigger the sun, the bigger the shadow.

“It’s just because of his condition,” she would tell herself in those early dark hours of the morning. “He’s basically survived a war without ever having been in a war. He’s lived through things most people never even comprehend or dream, much less would survive.” “His circumstances are so fractured and FUCKED UP! Anyone would respond the way he did.”

“I understand,” she would think as she lay there abandoned, confused and emotionally scarred yet once again.

She held on for justice. They both did. Faith that justice would right his past purgatory and finally give them the opportunity to be what they both knew they could be.

If only…..

If only the case would finally settle and the money came through. He’d be Okay then.

It had been a month since she had made the decision to call off the relationship. One more misunderstanding, abandonment, and emotional scar to put in the books.

She had had enough.

But, those damn planets and their ancient Archetypes. They wouldn’t let her just sever all ties. Oh no, she had to be one of those whose sense of altruistic love would override everything.

” I would like to remain friends ” she had told him.

He refused.

She knew better. After all, his circumstances hadn’t changed. Eventually he would need something and as time had proven so many instances before, she was indeed his one and only accessible true friend.

Then the call. He was apologetic for calling and disturbing her. His voice carried with it a sense of heightened anxiousness and disbelief. He had fallen down his stairs and was pretty sure had broken his foot.

Fuck. really? His physical condition was already debilitating, he was certainly proper fucked now.

Unfortunately, this was a familiar routine she had become a master at navigating. This time was different. She wouldn’t be dropping everything in her own life to run to his side and be his nurse maid.

“Perhaps he just wants you back”, a friend stated the following day.

He did. She knew it. Every other time she had try to break free from the relationship and set a new course, he would have a crisis.

Damn heart. She would cave. Damn compassionate nature. She would put all his needs before her own.

Afterall, what else do we have if we don’t have love.

But, not this time.

Then the e-mail. The first one in years. This was not an e-mail of a knight of cups expressing his love for her and serenading her with flowery prose.

Two attachments. x-rays of his broken foot.  Proof that he was indeed proper fucked. Proof that he was again a victim of shitty bad luck. Proof that he can’t do it all alone. Proof that true friends are necessary in life.

” I’m really sorry this happened. I know you must be really distraught” she conveyed in a late night dreary tone. She was just arriving  home after a long shift and after work drink with co-workers without guilt. She hadn’t run straight home to tend to his ailments. Considering the time she was calling, it was painfully obvious he knew this was the case as well. However, the fact remained, she was genuinely concerned.

“Yeah. it sucks. It’ll be Ok. It’s all part of the process”.  he mumbled. She could hear his words take on a lower tone through a clenched jaw.

“Try to get some rest, I’ll come by this week and get the dog out on a walk for you”

Silence.

Good Night.

Damn heart. Damn planets.

But she loved them. That heart. Those planets. She knew with certainty now that they weren’t a curse. They were there to show her the true depth and vastness of her capacity to love, care, and show compassion on an unlimited expansive human scale

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A Young Girl’s Dreams : A Horse of Her Own

She stares longingly across the grassy green field. I know her young girl’s dreams well. Mine were the same at her age.

I can tell you this, there were always horses. Everywhere horses!

She gazes off into the morning sun. A backdrop of Rocky Mountains. She is singing along to her favorite contemporary pop tunes playing over the loud speaker. The grounds are primarily filled with women and young girls. All of them either on horseback, tending to horses, or watching and waiting for that magical moment where horse and rider become one while floating above the ground in a perfectly orchestrated dance.

Her heart is filled. And as it becomes bigger, it creates more of a longing. The longing for her own horse.

A horse she comes home to everyday after school. The one companion that is always there to share her deepest most intimate wishes, dreams and heartbreaks. The one friend that would carry her anywhere she wanted to go, as far as her imagination and adventurous spirit desires.

A horse, where on weekends they could ride through meadows, no shoes, no saddle, no saddle pad, or bridle. She in her favorite shorts and shirt and her knapsack slung over her friend’s withers. The tall grass brushing against their legs setting off a spray of brilliant colors as butterflies lift to the sky in dozens.  They would finally find themselves at the edge of a creek where her friend would nibble the sweetest of grasses next to her blanket as she read her latest fiction addiction.  Nothing would disturb them, they were simply in the moment of true bliss. Most important, they are together.

Sometimes she dreams her knight in shining armor will appear outside her window, on horseback and whisper words to draw her out as his one true love to ride under moonlit sky, side by side…….each on their beloved mounts.

There are visions of riding bareback across the wide open plains, her steady powerful friend galloping so fast she believes they can fly, and so she extends her arms out to her side and imagines wings that catch the currents pulling them up into the cotton candy colored clouds.

If ever there was a valiant deed needed to be done, she knows her trusty steed, bow and arrow, and archer’s steady hand will respond with speed.

Oh a young girl’s dreams.

Always horses.Infinite possibilities.

And even in the passing days, year after year, season after season, for some of the girls, those dreams never fade. They only become more vivid. Until, one day, hopeful, those dreams become a reality.

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