Category Archives: MOSS STORIES

Damn Heart, Damn Planets

(writings from 2014)
“Hey! I was just calling to check in on you. make sure you were ok.”Like she said she would, she thought to herself. It wasn’t just out of integrity for keeping her word. It was just who she was, by nature. Truth is she REALLY did care. With a Cancer sun, Pisces moon and Virgo rising caring, compassion, and empathy was her blueprint by default.Damn planets. Why couldn’t she have some uber detached signs dominating her chart……like Gemini or Libra or Aquarius.

She knew better.

It was her own damn heart that was to blame.

She couldn’t remember the last time she had actually received an e-mail or correspondence other than a phone call on his terms for his convenience.  At the beginning the fresh new passion inspired thoughts would flit into her g-mail account on a daily basis. They were simple but poignant. Beautiful pictures of magical subjects, links to music he thought she might like, a simple “hello” and ” I miss you” and the always hopeful ” I can’t wait to see you again”.  Then, the efforts just seemed to cease. The more she put into it, the less she received.

She should have known then.

She did.

There were flags from the beginning.

But, her damn heart was to blame.

He had made her feel things she had never felt before. For the first time in her life, she had felt appreciated, valuable. He made her feel as if she could do anything in the world she desired! He believed in her. He was affectionate in ways not even her one and only previous failed marriage had been able to provide.

Such bliss. Such potential. Bigger than anything she had ever imagined.

But, every sun has its shadow. The bigger the sun, the bigger the shadow.

“It’s just because of his condition,” she would tell herself in those early dark hours of the morning. “He’s basically survived a war without ever having been in a war. He’s lived through things most people never even comprehend or dream, much less would survive.” “His circumstances are so fractured and FUCKED UP! Anyone would respond the way he did.”

“I understand,” she would think as she lay there abandoned, confused and emotionally scarred yet once again.

She held on for justice. They both did. Faith that justice would right his past purgatory and finally give them the opportunity to be what they both knew they could be.

If only…..

If only the case would finally settle and the money came through. He’d be Okay then.

It had been a month since she had made the decision to call off the relationship. One more misunderstanding, abandonment, and emotional scar to put in the books.

She had had enough.

But, those damn planets and their ancient Archetypes. They wouldn’t let her just sever all ties. Oh no, she had to be one of those whose sense of altruistic love would override everything.

” I would like to remain friends ” she had told him.

He refused.

She knew better. After all, his circumstances hadn’t changed. Eventually he would need something and as time had proven so many instances before, she was indeed his one and only accessible true friend.

Then the call. He was apologetic for calling and disturbing her. His voice carried with it a sense of heightened anxiousness and disbelief. He had fallen down his stairs and was pretty sure had broken his foot.

Fuck. really? His physical condition was already debilitating, he was certainly proper fucked now.

Unfortunately, this was a familiar routine she had become a master at navigating. This time was different. She wouldn’t be dropping everything in her own life to run to his side and be his nurse maid.

“Perhaps he just wants you back”, a friend stated the following day.

He did. She knew it. Every other time she had try to break free from the relationship and set a new course, he would have a crisis.

Damn heart. She would cave. Damn compassionate nature. She would put all his needs before her own.

Afterall, what else do we have if we don’t have love.

But, not this time.

Then the e-mail. The first one in years. This was not an e-mail of a knight of cups expressing his love for her and serenading her with flowery prose.

Two attachments. x-rays of his broken foot.  Proof that he was indeed proper fucked. Proof that he was again a victim of shitty bad luck. Proof that he can’t do it all alone. Proof that true friends are necessary in life.

” I’m really sorry this happened. I know you must be really distraught” she conveyed in a late night dreary tone. She was just arriving  home after a long shift and after work drink with co-workers without guilt. She hadn’t run straight home to tend to his ailments. Considering the time she was calling, it was painfully obvious he knew this was the case as well. However, the fact remained, she was genuinely concerned.

“Yeah. it sucks. It’ll be Ok. It’s all part of the process”.  he mumbled. She could hear his words take on a lower tone through a clenched jaw.

“Try to get some rest, I’ll come by this week and get the dog out on a walk for you”

Silence.

Good Night.

Damn heart. Damn planets.

But she loved them. That heart. Those planets. She knew with certainty now that they weren’t a curse. They were there to show her the true depth and vastness of her capacity to love, care, and show compassion on an unlimited expansive human scale

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WORMHOLES ARE REAL : And how to get back to your true Soul Planet

feather in hair-web

I totally lost a whole week! Have you ever been down a wormhole?  I went down one this week that was waaaaay off course from the journey I have been navigating lately. Somehow, I got caught up in circumstances and similar types of energies in my present, that created an opening into my recent past to exist.  And without much thought, but all good intentions…..I stepped right over the threshold, jumping in with two feet. I slid right into an abandoned life of hopes, fears, hurts, and unfinished memories I consciously left behind not too long ago. It was full of old behavior patterns, limiting beliefs, and unconscious damaging projections. My intentions? Heal and clean and clear this damn thing so I could move on into new situations aligned with my new visions, instead of recreating similar ones I no longer wanted.

The natural environment in this parallel universe was still mind blowing beautiful, nurturing, powerful, and in charge! It was after-all, deep in the belly of the wilds of mama Earth.  What was amazing to me, because I was literally in physical space with that past not just in my mind, is it was exactly the same as when I left it months prior. Unchanged.

stump_web

 Old trauma patterns played out. {Shocker.} It was painful. And yet, the pain made everything clear. There were new places of light, briefly, that healed the easy stuff. But, when the big, hard, most challenging obstacles surfaced, the healing could only go so far. Truths, vulnerability, compassion, and empathy were not enough to re calibrate and set a new course for this particular ship and its’ crew. 

I left the wormhole, the same way I had before. Except this time, I was stronger. Ties had been successfully cut. No lingering longings or wondering if it was the right thing to do. It didn’t drop me into deep depression or a place of huge self doubt and self judgement. In fact, I barely cried. I didn’t feel like I had been turned inside out to be food for the scavengers. Nope, I just saw it for what it was and the truth in myself I had been working so hard on since May, carried me.

I simply floated away in my boat of new self awareness and confidence knowing my new current path is truly where I need to be. Closure happened. Some healing took place. For that I am forever grateful. I integrated things about myself previously unwilling to accept and acknowledge.  Now, I get to heal as a WHOLE.  I get to change my own patterns I see as destructive and limiting. No more Self sabotage. I realized, as long as those patterns exist and are a driving force in my subconscious, the same experiences will repeat..and never change.

I set out for a new course late Spring. On this new course I will remain.

Luckily it was a quick trip . I Landed back on my current wave/planet right where I had left off. Whew !! I received so many gifts in that time away from time. One of the most important was MEDICINE revealed through nature. A single feather lay on the path being re-trodden. A Great Horned Owl feather. One of great wisdom. Wisdom I will carry with me now. Wisdom that will remind me, to not go down that wormhole again. There was also a small patch of mushrooms surrounding the stump I sat on for contemplation when I felt alone and was unsure if LoVe truly was present. They were shaped like a heart assuring me, I was loved and supported.  These messages from spirit..no matter what planet, wave, or wormhole you are in or on…are ALWAYS guiding and responding. Spirit and earth work together to plant messages and guideposts for you to see, feel or hear…so you don’t get lost…so you can always find your way back… come home to YOUR SOUL PLANET. Pay attention. The signs are there. Alerting you to your true course. Your true North Node.

docs and pond_weblove shroom_webthe last feather 2-web

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me n feather_web

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A desert dweller lives on the fringes. The outskirts, beyond the very edges of conventional society. No-man’s land.

Where desertscapes slither into the never ending horizon. A place where the skies make love to earth creating explosions of color, depth, and intensity  worthy of painted masterpieces.

To some it can seem a lonely place. Oftentimes the rocks, cactus, shrubs and whatever desert animal comes out of hiding are the dweller’s only companions. The sun beats hard and unfiltered. Skies as blue as the bluest turquoise run through the dweller’s veins, pumping, sustaining life force in an environment that constantly seeks to undo…perish it’s inhabitants.

These are the places skins are shed over and over and over. Flesh falls away until all that remains is mere bones. A skeleton of what once was,  transformed into pure, raw, potential. 

 

For the desert dweller, this is salvation. Living between everything and nothing removed from the desire to construct, shape, form, adhere to any rules structures, beliefs, ambitions or dogma. The only rules here are that you ultimately become nourishment for something else…eventually. Even your own soul.

Most dwellers end up in this extreme terrain devoid of life or humanity by choice. Whether that choice is conscious or unconscious is unique to each seeker. It is a deep calling, deeper than any depth ever descended to. From the dark underworld of mystery and questioning comes a desire to know. What More? Or Less? What is left?

When there is nothing left to see, when everything is stripped away and there is nothing more to contend with except the SELF , the environment, the will to live or to die…existentially…the desert landscape becomes the reflective container in which to fully let go……let go…………let go…….no one to catch the fall, no one to sugar coat the abyss, no one to interfere or derail the process.

After the digesting, breaking down, defecating, purifying, releasing, purging of ALL THAT was once thought to be true finally disintegrates……only then can life begin again.

To the desert dweller, there is nothing more true, more basic, more simple, more necessary than this. This cycle of life.

 

 

 

 

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